


Never Let You Cry Again

by orphan_account



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Alternate Universe, Disregarding Culture To Make The Story Work, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-15
Updated: 2011-08-15
Packaged: 2017-10-22 15:52:35
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,776
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/239798
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>You didn't mean to do it.</p><p>Yeah, you consider John your kismesis, no matter how unrequited.</p><p>But he's still your friend, in some sense of the word...right?</p><p>You really didn't mean to do it...</p>
            </blockquote>





	Never Let You Cry Again

Your name is KARKAT VANTAS. You are absolutely FURIOUS because you woke up this morning in a STATE OF CONFUSION and HUNGOVERNESS.

So far, it’s gone a little something like this. The last thing you remember was drinking Faygo-spiked punch at Gamzee’s party last night. Then you woke up this morning in a bed that is not yours. In clothes that aren’t yours. You have a really bad migraine. And worst of all, there is someone next to you in bed.

Okay, so you have a ROOMMATE – Terezi. But Terezi never climbs into bed with you. In fact, she’s usually over at her boyfriend’s apartment, so you hardly even see her anymore.

Given this information, it is clearly disconcerting when you roll over in the polka-dotted comforters and your hand hits a body.

You peel away the sheets, which are wet, which scares you. Blood-wet or cum-wet, you wonder, sticking a hand down into the comforters to make sure you have pants on.

You do not.

CG: FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK  
CG: THIS IS NOT GOOD  
CG: WHAT DID GAMZEE PUT IN THAT FUCKING PUNCH

You pull away the comforters. You have to know who you’d slept with. Because that wetness is definitely not blood.

CG: OH FUCK  
CG: NOT YOU

John Egbert.

Your kismesis.

You slept with your kismesis last night.

CG: GAMZEE  
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHERE YOU ARE BUT I AM GOING TO FUCKING RIP YOUR HORNS FROM YOUR HEAD AND MAKE YOU EAT THEM   
EB: karkat?    
CG: OH JEGUS YOU’RE AWAKE   
EB: yeah  
EB: where am i   
CG: UM  
CG: NOWHERE   
EB: karkat youre not wearing pants  
EB: obviously something happened  
EB: oh shit i am also not wearing pants  
EB: karkat  
EB: please tell me what happened   
CG: I HAVE TO SAY THAT I’M NOT ENTIRELY SURE EITHER  
CG: I DON’T REALLY REMEMBER ANYTHING FROM LAST NIGHT   
EB: umm  
EB: oh...  
EB: right  
EB: i remember now!    
CG: OH FUCK  
CG: PLEASE TELL ME WHAT HAPPENED   
EB: uh  
EB: well  
EB: i am pretty sure you were drunk!  
EB: there was definitely more in that punch than just faygo   
CG: WHAT DID I DO  
CG: WHAT DID I FUCKING DO EGBERT   
EB: you uh  
EB: you kind of  
EB: sat down on my lap  
EB: and started kissing me  
EB: then someone yelled at us to go upstairs  
EB: it was eridan i think  
EB: jelly of my karkitty! hee hee   
CG: OKAY LET’S NOT BE FUCKING CUTE  
CG: SO THEN WHAT?    
EB: well  
EB: we came up here  
EB: gamzee said he would make sure nobody interrupted us   
CG: THIS IS JUST GETTING WORSE AND WORSE   
EB: but karkat!  
EB: i remember everything!  
EB: and i promise that you were really good!!!    
CG: AT WHAT   
EB: sex, silly!    
CG: ... OH FUCK   
EB: whats wrong???  
EB: karkat where are you going??? 

You get out of bed.

CG: TO FIND MY FUCKING PANTS   
EB: um you left them downstairs   
CG: OH COULD THIS EVEN GET ANY FUCKING WORSE   
EB: you left all your clothes downstairs  
EB: they might be under the couch if thats any help

You are about to leave when your kismesis shouts something at you.

EB: wait dont go out there karkat!!!    
CG: WHY NOT   
EB: uh well  
EB: the party kind of turned into  
EB: a really big clusterfuck  
EB: and by that i really mean clusterfuck  
EB: dave, terezi, and vriska had a threesome  
EB: on the kitchen counter  
EB: and i think eridan made out with pretty much everyone  
EB: he might have ended up with gamzee though   
CG: WHAT THE FUCK  
CG: WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT  
CG: DID WE ALL DO DRUGS OR WHAT   
EB: nope!  
EB: just alcohol and a lot of horny people!    
CG: I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING ANYMORE  
CG: THIS DOESN’T USUALLY HAPPEN AT GAMZEE’S PARTIES   
EB: maybe he put viagra in the punch or something!    
CG: I WOULDN’T FUCKING PUT IT PAST HIM  
CG: HE MAY BE MY MOIRAIL BUT SOMETIMES HE GOES TOO FUCKING FAR   
EB: just borrow some of gamzees clothes karkat  
EB: thats what i did for your shirt  
EB: you said you were cold last night so...    
CG: THANKS I GUESS

You rummage in the dresser and find some ridiculous purple-and-pink-polka-dotted BOXERS. Unfortunately, that appears to be all that he has, so your choices are limited.

You put on the BOXERS.

EB: is this scary for you, karkat?    
CG: SCARY  
CG: WHY WOULD IT BE SCARY  
CG: IT SEEMS FAIRLY STRAIGHTFORWARD  
CG: I GOT WAY TOO DRUNK LAST NIGHT  
CG: AND...DID SOMETHING  
CG: UH  
CG: WHAT DID I DO EXACTLY?    
EB: hee hee  
EB: some fun stuff  
EB: it was really nice  
EB: we should do it again sometime!  
EB: when youre actually conscious of what youre doing haha

You shake your head firmly. He is your kismesis. Kis. Mes. Is. Not your fuckbuddy.

EB: no?    
CG: NO  
CG: I SHOULDN’T HAVE EVEN DONE IT LAST NIGHT  
CG: HOW DO I GET OUT OF THIS FUCKING HELLHOLE   
EB: might want to wait til everyone is awake  
EB: otherwise you might trip over someones naked, sleeping body!  
EB: haha!    
CG: IT’S REALLY NOT FUCKING FUNNY AT ALL OKAY EGBERT  
CG: IF I HAVE ALL OF THIS STRAIGHT  
CG: WE FUCKED LAST NIGHT  
CG: A LOT OF PEOPLE FUCKED LAST NIGHT THAT PROBABLY SHOULD NOT HAVE   
EB: but its ok!  
EB: youre not angry, are you?    
CG: ACTUALLY EGBERT  
CG: YES I AM  
CG: I’M FUCKING FURIOUS  
CG: YOU’RE MY KISMESIS, ALL RIGHT?  
CG: I HATE YOU  
CG: IT’S JUST WHAT I DO  
CG: AND WE FUCKED LAST NIGHT  
CG: THERE ARE APPARENTLY NAKED PEOPLE ALL OVER GAMZEE’S APARTMENT  
CG: SERIOUSLY  
CG: WHO DID NOT GET FUCKED LAST NIGHT?    
EB: um i am pretty sure tavros did not get any  
EB: no! wait!  
EB: feferi...    
CG: WHAT THE FUCK.  
CG: CAN YOU NOT SEE HOW FUCKING SCREWED UP THAT IS   
EB: i know it’s a little weird  
EB: but couldnt we try and appreciate it?  
EB: it was fun!    
CG: JEGUS FUCK EGBERT I DON’T EVEN REMEMBER IT   
EB: oh...  
EB: right.  
EB: then we need to do it again.  
EB: so you do remember. 

You had never thought of Egbert as a particularly assertive person, but if this isn’t a dream, he’s just walked over to where you’re standing and given you a big hug.

Maybe, if he were fully clothed, this would be excusable, once you’d delivered a few fierce FUCK-YOUS. But Egbert is completely naked, and he’s hugging you, gently tugging at the boxers you borrowed.

EB: take them off  
EB: please?   
CG: OH MY FUCKING GOG  
CG: WHAT IS EVEN HAPPENING  
CG: THIS HAS GOT TO BE A DREAM   
EB: wait...  
EB: karkat?  
EB: you don’t like me?    
CG: NO!  
CG: I HATE YOU!  
CG: YOU’RE MY KISMESIS, OF COURSE I HATE YOU!    
EB: you really do hate me...  
EB: don’t you...    
CG: I KEEP FUCKING SAYING THAT!    
EB: wow...  
EB: yesterday...  
EB: i guess i tricked myself into thinking you liked me back.    
CG: BACK?  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK   
EB: oh jesus  
EB: we had a really long talk about this last night  
EB: pillow talk, eheh?    
CG: WHAT?  
CG: WHAT DID WE TALK ABOUT?  
CG: PLEASE REMEMBER I DON’T REMEMBER ANYTHING THAT FUCKING HAPPENED LAST NIGHT  
CG: SO ENLIGHTEN ME, EGBERT   
EB: well  
EB: i can probably copy/paste our conversation...    
CG: PLEASE FUCKING DO. 

 

\-- ectoBiologist [EB] started pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 23:28 --    
EB: oh god that was amazing   
CG: FUCKING FANTASTIC   
EB: karkat?  
EB: can i tell you a secret?    
CG: SURE  
CG: I PROMISE I WON’T TELL ANYONE, HA HA   
EB: okay, well...  
EB: um  
EB: ive never had sex before this   
CG: YOU’RE A VIRGIN?  
CG: OKAY, WHATEVER   
EB: thats not weird?  
EB: even though im twenty-three?    
CG: NAH   
EB: well  
EB: what if i told you it was for a reason?  
EB: ive had a lot of girlfriends before  
EB: and some boyfriends   
CG: WAS THAT AFTER YOU CAME OUT   
EB: yeah, in junior year  
EB: but i never had sex with any of them  
EB: kisses, yeah  
EB: but never, ever sex  
EB: know why?    
CG: WHY   
EB: because i had always liked you   
CG: WHOA  
CG: HEAVY   
EB: so i saved myself for you, karkat  
EB: and now im not a virgin anymore  
EB: because im yours  
EB: right?    
CG: SURE   
EB: really?  
EB: do you like me too?    
CG: YOU KNOW WHAT  
CG: YEAH  
CG: I DO  
CG: YOU’RE PRETTY CUTE, EGBERT   
EB: thanks   
CG: HEY, STOP BLUSHING!  
CG: I MEAN IT  
CG: JOHN?  
CG: WILL YOU BE MY MATESPRIT?    
EB: are you serious???    
CG: YEAH  
CG: I LIKE YOU, JOHN  
CG: I LIKE YOU A LOT  
CG: ENOUGH THAT I WANT TO DO THIS AGAIN  
CG: AGAIN, AND AGAIN, AND AGAIN   
EB: really?    
CG: YES  
CG: WHAT WILL IT TAKE TO CONVINCE YOU?    
EB: how about another kiss   
CG: SURE   
EB: karkat  
EB: i will definitely  
EB: absolutely  
EB: be your matesprit <3   
\-- ectoBiologist [EB] ceased pestering carcinoGeneticist [CG] at 23:41 -- 

John suddenly seems to realise he’s still hanging onto you without any clothes on, and he pulls away.

EB: that was it  
EB: then we did it again   
CG: OH JEGUS  
CG: UM  
CG: OH MAN  
CG: I NEVER THOUGHT I’D SAY THIS  
CG: BUT I’M REALLY SORRY, EGBERT  
CG: I WAS DRUNK  
CG: I DIDN’T KNOW WHAT I WAS SAYING   
EB: i thought you might say that.    
CG: SORRY.    
EB: its fine.  
EB: i should never have expected anything more than just...  
EB: being your kismesis  
EB: sorry karkat   
CG: DON’T BE SORRY  
CG: IT’S NOT YOUR FAULT   
EB: i guess.  
EB: im going to go find dave, ok?  
EB: its probably best that you don’t leave though.  
EB: you might be really freaked out by whos out there.    
CG: SHIT  
CG: I’M REALLY SORRY, JOHN   
EB: please don’t call me john  
EB: egbert, right?    
CG: I’M SO SORRY

You watch John as he walks back to his side of the bed. He pulls on his clothes, the ones he was sober enough to keep on until he went into a private room, and leaves you behind. You think you hear him crying as the door closes, but you might be imagining it.

CG: SHIIIIIT

* * *

Your name is JOHN EGBERT. Last night, you had amazing sex with the boy of your dreams. This morning, the boy of your dreams told you that he hated you.

Those are not tears streaming down your face. Those are DROPLETS OF ENTIRELY MANLY SENTIMENT.

You step over Rose and Kanaya. Since the only bedroom was taken by you and THAT BOY WHOSE NAME WILL GO UNMENTIONED, everyone else ended up taking couches, floors, and even the kitchen counter. Rose and Kanaya opted for the floor about five feet from your bedroom. Neither of them were screamers, but you could definitely hear them tussling, and – is that blood on the carpet?

Further down the hallway, Tavros and Feferi are curled up in an embrace that is both romantic and disturbing. They are really not a good couple. Hopefully when they wake up, Feferi will help Tavros into his wheelchair (lying on its side a few feet away from their twisted bodies) and forget it ever happened.

You open the door to the living room. This is the HEART OF FUCKERY. Where it all happened. There’s Equius and Nepeta on top of the coffee table. You wonder why Equius is beneath Nepeta, and then decide to stop wondering about that.

There on the couch is Jade and Aradia. Oh, and Sollux. Even though he’s still asleep, he’s got his hands on one breast for each girl and a blissful smile on his face.

Gamzee and Eridan are beneath the kitchen table. A few chairs are flipped over. How exactly that worked...you don’t want to know.

There’s the famous threesome, Dave and his girlfriend Terezi, and Vriska in the mix, too. You used to know how it felt to be bisexual, back when you dated both genders. You don’t anymore, but Terezi and Vriska certainly seem to enjoy it. Especially when Dave lets Terezi “experiment”, as he puts it.

(You’re fairly certain that Dave likes “experimenting” just as much as Terezi does, if not more.)

You approach the literal clusterfuck on the kitchen counter, speculating about how they all managed to stay up there. Terezi’s feet are hanging into the sink. They are dripping wet.

EB: dave?

Your friend stirs, blinking blearily.

TG: glasses glasses where are my sunglasses   
EB: right here

You hand him his SUNGLASSES, the painfully stylish ones you got for his thirteenth birthday that were once worn by one of the many cinematic geniuses you enjoy, BEN STILLER. He puts them on his face and sits up.

TG: man that was one amazing night  
TG: two hot chicks  
TG: that don’t mind getting nasty with each other  
TG: and me at the same time  
TG: that’s like heaven, john  
TG: the sexiest heaven ever  
TG: so how was your brofling with karkat?  
TG: oh wait  
TG: shit  
TG: are you crying   
EB: is it that obvious?    
TG: um there are kind of tears streaming down your face john  
TG: what happened  
TG: no wait, lets go in the bathroom first  
TG: dont want anyone to wake up

He throws a backward glance at Terezi, whose hands are dangerously close to Vriska’s lower half. It is clear to you that he doesn’t want her to experiment if he’s not there to “help her”.

You follow Dave to the bathroom. You are still crying. You mean, releasing DROPLETS OF MANLY SENTIMENT.

* * *

Your name is DAVE STRIDER. For ten years, you’ve listened to your best bro (whose name is John Egbert) talk about this boy Karkat Vantas.

You were the first person who ever knew John was gay. He knew it himself when he was ten, though he thought he was actually bi, and came out to you when he was eleven. Sometimes he’d talk to you about his crushes. You didn’t mind it. In fact, you kind of enjoyed listening to it, because the world of homosexuality was a place you had always been a little bit afraid of, albeit interested in. Always the ladies’ man, even now, though of course you’d made forays into that other world. You had to admit it could be fun.

But back to John. From the first day he saw Karkat, all other boys no longer existed. It was always “Karkat this” and “Karkat that” and “Karkat gives me a huge motherfucking boner”.

And you listened. You listened to every word he said. When he was fifteen and jacked off for the first time (which made you laugh a little bit) to Karkat’s image, you listened, and you told him it was natural. Then you gave him some tips.

When he was sixteen and Karkat started dating Terezi, you told him that you were pretty sure Karkat was bisexual. Terezi was, anyway.

When he was seventeen and decided to stop being stupid and came out as gay, because he wasn’t bisexual at all and could really care less about boobs and short skirts, you were there for him all the way.

You sat by his side when his dad waved an unlit pipe at him, lecturing him about abstinence before he went to a party Gamzee was throwing. He told you later that night that he didn’t plan on having sex at all until Karkat did it with him.

When he was twenty, dating a guy at college, he was having second thoughts about that pledge, thinking that he’d never have a chance with Karkat anyway. You told him that anything was possible, even though Karkat hadn’t dated anyone since high school.

You’ve always thought Karkat was a pretty cool bro. He was cool enough to deserve John’s attention, at least. You were always rooting for them to get together.

But last night he told John they could be matesprits. You know, romantically involved. And this morning, he goes and breaks his heart.

If there’s one thing you refuse to allow, it’s someone breaking your best bro’s heart.

Yes, you are fucking furious at Karkat, and you don’t care what John says, you are going to break Karkat’s stupid drunk bulge into three thousand tiny little pieces and shove it up his ass. See if he likes that as much as he liked last night.

EB: dave i just don’t understand!  
EB: why did he ask me to be his matesprit if he hated me all along?  
TG: you guys have been kismesis for a long time  
TG: but its always been a pretty friendly kismessitude, right  
EB: yeah...  
EB: i kinda hoped he was flirting with me :/   
TG: maybe he really wasnt  
TG: maybe he really just wants to be kismesis  
TG: i know thats not a thing you want  
TG: but it might be a thing thats happening  
EB: oh...  
EB: i guess i should probably...  
EB: just...  
EB: get over him...   
TG: right now that looks like the best plan  
TG: im sorry bro  
EB: don’t be sorry please  
EB: why is everyone sorry  
EB: nobody should be sorry for me  
EB: its all my fault anyways  
EB: im the one who likes him  
EB: stupid stupid stupid  
TG: stop that john  
TG: nobody can control who they like  
TG: and besides you guys wouldve been perfect for each other  
EB: we...would have?   
TG: yeah  
TG: i dont get his fucking issue  
TG: anyone getting the chance to be your matesprit should count themselves fucking LUCKY  
EB: wow...  
EB: you used caps dave  
EB: thats a new one  
TG: and all for you, john  
EB: dave?   
TG: yeah  
EB: i dont suppose you’d...  
EB: this is stupid  
TG: maybe  
TG: but maybe not  
TG: what?   
EB: could you maybe kiss me?  
EB: so i could pretend that...  
EB: see i told you it was stupid  
TG: you idiot

You kiss your best bro. Nothin’ to it.

TG: youre so cute when you blush like that   
EB: geez  
EB: im sorry  
EB: that didnt even work  
EB: it just felt weird   
TG: dont apologize  
TG: im probably not as good a kisser as karkat anyway   
EB: no...  
EB: youre not

He bursts into tears again. Your heart sinks.

TG: fuck  
TG: john  
TG: cheer up ok?  
TG: its not the end of the world   
EB: not yours  
EB: just mine

He gets up off of the toilet, unlocks the door, pushes his way out into the living room. You sigh.

TG: john! 

He doesn’t respond.

Where exactly does he think he’s going? You hope he’s not going home. You’re his roommate, and if you’re not there, there’s nobody there.

You’re afraid he might hurt himself if he’s alone.

TG: jesus dick john  
TG: the things i do for my friends

* * *

 

Your name is JADE HARLEY. You wake up with Aradia’s naked body crushed up next to yours and Sollux’s hand squeezing your left breast.

GG: eeeeek!

The frightened noise that escapes from your throat wakes up Aradia, but not Sollux. Apparently he’s a very deep sleeper.

AA: jade?  
AA: is everything 0k?    
GG: oh yeah! sorry i woke you up aradia!    
AA: it’s fine  
AA: y0ur cl0thes are 0n the fl00r if y0u want to g0 h0me   
GG: maybe that is not the best idea...  
GG: i have no idea if rose is home yet, and if rose is home, i am pretty sure kanaya will be with her!  
GG: i always feel a little awkward when they’re banging and im not!    
AA: I c0uld g0 h0me with y0u if that’s what y0u’d like   
GG: haha no thanks! you’re not really my girlfriend, you’re sollux’s, so i would feel weird if this was any more than a one night stand!    
AA: 0kay  
AA: i did have fun with y0u, th0ugh  
AA: thank y0u f0r j0ining us   
GG: sure!!  
GG: thanks for including me!    
AA: anytime

You get up, carefully removing Sollux’s hand from your chest, and pull on your clothes. Aradia waves to you as you step over Equius’s arms, which are hanging off of the coffee table.

You’re walking towards the door when a figure dressed in blue darts passed you, sobbing. Hey, you know that sob! You’d know John’s sobbing anywhere!

GG: john!  
GG: whats wrong john??? 

He is already gone.

TG: fuck  
TG: oh hi jade   
GG: what is the matter with john???  
GG: he is crying his eyeballs out!!!    
TG: uh yeah...  
TG: you know how he went up with karkat last night   
GG: yeah!  
GG: i thought that was like his number one fantasy!    
TG: well karkat asked him to be his matesprit last night   
GG: that’s amazing!    
TG: and then broke his heart this morning   
GG: that’s terrible!    
TG: hes going home  
TG: i have to go after him   
GG: you’re going to leave terezi?    
TG: i have to  
TG: will you tell her to text me  
TG: she cant come over for a while   
GG: uh i was probably going to leave...    
AA: i will d0 it, dave   
TG: oh man thanks aradia   
AA: 0f c0urse   
TG: fuck  
TG: bye guys

Dave pulls open the door and runs outside after John. You stand there for a moment, still dumbfounded. Maybe you shouldn’t leave after all. Just to give Karkat’s butt a really good kicking!

AA: y0u are angry at karkat, aren’t y0u   
GG: very!!!  
GG: he hurt one of my best friends!!!  
GG: it is simply UNEXCUSABLE!!!    
AA: i th0ught y0u and karkat were g00d friends   
GG: yeah, we are  
GG: that’s why im staying here  
GG: to talk some sense into that boy!    
AA: i see  
AA: i think i will take s0llux back h0me s0 we d0 n0t interrupt anything  
AA: it seems there is ab0ut t0 be a sh0wd0wn   
GG: yeah. 

You crack your knuckles, hoping it sounds reasonably menacing.

AA: g00d luck, jade  
AA: i sincerely h0pe s0me0ne can kick s0me sense int0 that f00l   
GG: i will definitely do my best!!  
GG: bye aradia!  
GG: and thanks for last night!    
AA: my pleasure

* * *

Your name is ROSE LALONDE. Like most nights, you have woken up with your amazing girlfriend, Kanaya Maryam. You two have been together since seventh grade, when you first met, and unbeknownst to most of your friends, you are planning on getting married next year. But that’s a different story.

TT: Kanaya?   
GA: Good Morning Rose   
TT: I think we are the minority at this party.  
TT: That is, two of the few that did not wake up with a hangover.    
GA: Alcohol Disgusts Me  
GA: And Completely Ruins Sex   
TT: Amen to that!    
CG: FUCK FUCK FUCK   
GA: Karkat Is There A Reason For Your Compulsive Swearing This Morning   
CG: YES THERE IS  
CG: DID JOHN NOT FUCKING WAKE YOU UP  
CG: WHEN HE RAN DOWN THE HALLWAY SOBBING  
CG: DID YOU GUYS JUST COMPLETELY SLEEP THROUGH THAT SHIT   
GA: It Appears We Did   
TT: Why was my friend crying, Karkat? 

You are well aware of the relationship between Karkat Vantas and one of your best friends of all time, John Egbert. It is the classic he-is-completely-head-over-heels-in-love-with-him-but-he-thinks-he-is-his-kismesis situation. In your professional opinion, Vantas is also deeply in love with John, but he is in denial.

CG: IT WAS MY FUCKING FAULT  
CG: WHERE DID HE GO  
CG: SHIT   
GA: I Thought We Had Established That We Did Not Notice Him Passing Through  
GA: We Were Far Too Busy   
CG: EW  
CG: OKAY I DON’T REALLY CARE ABOUT YOU FUCKING LESBIAN PEOPLE  
CG: I JUST NEED TO KNOW WHERE JOHN PROBABLY WENT  
CG: HAVE TO GO TALK TO HIM   
TT: Karkat, could you be specific, and tell me exactly what happened?    
CG: SHIT  
CG: TOTAL BULLSHIT  
CG: I MESSED UP THAT’S ALL   
TT: Karkat, you are not answering my question.    
CG: WE FUCKED LAST NIGHT AND I ASKED HIM TO BE MY MATESPRIT IN A FIT OF DRUNKEN IDIOCY AND WHEN WE WOKE UP HE THOUGHT WE WERE MATESPRITS BUT HE IS AND ALWAYS WILL BE MY KISMESIS AND I FEEL LIKE SHIT   
TT: Have you given a thought to what he must feel like?    
CG: YEAH! THAT IS WHY I FEEL LIKE SHIT, BECAUSE I KEEP THINKING HOW MUCH SHITTIER HE MUST FEEL THAN ME  
CG: AND THAT’S SAYING SOMETHING BECAUSE I HAVE A FUCKING MIGRAINE   
GA: Please Do Not Vomit On Us  
GA: Or You Could  
GA: That Would Require Us To Take A Shower Together  
GA: Something I Would Not Object To   
TT: Nor I, you know that, my dearest.  
TT: But for now, could we focus on my friend?  
TT: You said he ran through here sobbing?    
CG: YES  
CG: HE IS REALLY FUCKING UPSET  
CG: I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO   
TT: A wise idea might be to go after him and apologise.    
CG: I ALREADY APOLOGISED  
CG: BUT HE TOLD ME NOT TO APOLOGISE AND RAN AWAY   
TT: That is not exactly a desirable outcome.    
CG: NO IT IS FUCKING NOT!  
CG: I HAVE TO GO AFTER HIM   
GG: you’re not going anywhere you fuckface!    
CG: OH JEGUS  
CG: JADE’S CUSSING  
CG: SHE MUST BE ANGRY   
GG: you bet im angry karkat!!!  
GG: youre my friend but you broke my other friend’s heart!  
GG: what kind of a heartless shiteater would do that!    
CG: MY KIND OF HEARTLESS SHITEATER I GUESS  
CG: LOOK JADE I FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT IT  
CG: I’M GOING TO GO FIND HIM   
GG: im going to kill you karkat!!!!!!  
GG: wait you are?    
CG: YES I TOLD YOU I FEEL LIKE SHIT AND HE MUST FEEL EVEN WORSE   
AG: Who feels like shit? 

What? Where did Serket come from? You should have noticed her coming up from behind Karkat (particularly since she is completely naked). Perhaps you were too distracted by the curve of Kanaya’s back, and her glowing vampiric skin, and the way her black hair is slightly mussed from sleeping on the carpet, and oh Vantas is talking.

CG: OH JEGUS NOW VRISKA’S INVOLVED TOO   
GA: From What I Have Gathered Karkat Brought John Up But Quickly Cast Him Back Against The Ground  
GA: Breaking His Heart In A Most Painful, Cruel Manner   
AG: You 8roke John’s heart, Karkat?    
CG: OH FUCK WHY DID YOU TELL HER KANAYA   
AG: I’m going to kill you, Karkat.  
AG: I really will.  
AG: That’s MY John you just tore into tiny little pieces, like the 8astard you are!    
GG: no vriska!  
GG: hes going after john!  
GG: to comfort him!    
AG: Is that so?  
AG: Well, good, 8ecause I didn’t have my dice on me anyway.  
AG: Carry on. 

Serket leaves the hallway, probably to explain the situation to Pyrope, who must be confused about Dave’s sudden disappearance.

CG: IS ANYONE ELSE GOING TO GET IN MY WAY  
CG: BECAUSE I REALLY NEED TO FUCKING GET GOING   
GG: i wont stand in your way karkat!  
GG: in fact let me help you  
GG: the place he probably went is home!    
CG: THE APARTMENT HE SHARES WITH DAVE?    
GG: yes  
GG: go karkat, go!  
GG: before he does something we will all regret   
TT: Godspeed to you, Vantas! 

Vantas runs down the hall. He really does seem upset about this whole thing. You hope that means that your professional opinion is right, and he is sincerely in love with John, though he hasn’t admitted it to himself just yet.

GA: I Am Having Difficulty Understanding The Situation   
TT: John has been deeply in love with Karkat since seventh grade, but has always been convinced that such a relationship would be impossible. I believe Karkat made a drunken promise to John and broke it this morning, which is never good, psychologically speaking.    
GA: Ah  
GA: I Feel Sorry For Poor John  
GA: I Hope Karkat Comes To His Senses With Speed   
GG: we all do kanaya!  
GG: we all do

* * *

You are Karkat Vantas. You are determined to get to John. No more distractions.

In the living room, people are starting to wake up. Aradia is leading Sollux out of the door, probably to go back to the apartment they share. Vriska is sitting on the couch with Terezi, explaining the state of things, and Terezi is speed-texting. Nepeta is giggling and trying to wake Equius up by pushing him off of the coffee table. Feferi has wheeled Tavros into the living room and is blushing furiously. Gamzee and Eridan have decided to fuck again, so you avert your eyes from the kitchen table.

TC: wHoA wAiT gUyS iTs KaRkAt

Everyone stops what they’re doing, and your heart sinks. So much for no distractions.

GC: K4RK4T D1D YOU R34LLY BR34K JOHN’S POOR H34RT???   
CA: broke john’s heart? wwhat?   
CG: ARE WE REALLY GOING TO FUCKING DO THIS  
AG: He asked John to 8e his matesprit last night and then this morning fucked everything up!   
CG: I’M TRYING TO GO FIX IT, GOGDAMMIT  
CA: howw heartless! dont you knoww john has liked you since sevventh grade, karkat?   
CG: NO I DID NOT  
CC: -------EV-ERYON---E KN---EW -------EXC-EPT YOU, KARKAT!   
CG: THAT’S WHAT I’M HEARING, YES  
CG: WHAT ELSE DID I NOT KNOW ABOUT JOHN  
AA: well he refused sex with every single 0ne of his 0ther partners  
TA: yeah 2eriiou2ly kk, after how long he’2 waiited for you and you break hii2 heart?   
CG: OH JEGUS  
AC: :33 Karkitty, if you don’t fix John I think we can all agr33 that you will suffur!   
CG: COME ON PEOPLE  
CG: THAT’S WHERE I’M GOING  
AT: bUT AREN’T YOU JUST GOING TO, uHH, tELL HIM IT’S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN,   
CG: GOOD GOG  
CG: NONE OF YOU KNOW THE BIG PICTURE OKAY  
AT: uHH, wE KNOW MORE THAN YOU DO,   
CG: WHAT DO YOU MEAN  
AG: We mean that it’s really o8vious that you like him, Karkat!   
CC: ----EV-EN IF YOU DON’T KNOW IT Y--ET!   
CG: I LIKE HIM?  
CG: WHAT THE FUCK?   
CA: it’s so obvvious karkat  
AA: y0u are head 0ver heels  
GC: WHY DO YOU TH1NK YOU H4T3 H1M SO MUCH?   
AT: aNYONE WHO HATES SOMEONE THAT MUCH, iS BOUND TO REALLY, aCTUALLY, bE, dEEPLY IN LOVE,   
CG: DEEPLY IN LOVE  
CG: YOU GUYS ARE ALL INSANE  
AC: :33 You two have been on my shipping chart fur years!   
CA: does this really come as a surprise to you kar  
CG: YES  
CG: WHO FUCKING KNEW I WAS REALLY IN LOVE WITH A GUY WHO’S BEEN IN LOVE WITH ME FOR TEN YEARS  
CG: CERTAINLY NOT ME  
CG: CAN I GO  
AA: where were you planning 0n g0ing?   
CG: TO SEE JOHN  
CG: EVEN IF I DON’T LIKE HIM, HE IS MY FRIEND AND I CAN’T JUST LET THIS GO  
CA: idiot!   
AG: Fuckass!   
AT: mORON,   
GC: DUMP4SS  
CG: GOOD GOG THIS IS REALLY NOT MEETING YOUR APPROVAL IS IT  
CG: WHY AM I SO STUPID EXACTLY  
TA: ii2 iit not getting through your thiick 2kull  
AT: yOU REALLY LIKE HIM, a LOT,   
CG: BUT I DON’T  
CG: IF I LIKED HIM WOULDN’T I KNOW  
AA: n0t necessarily  
CA: it’s been obvvious this wwhole time that you like john  
AG: Your entire kismessitude has 8een like one 8ig flirt!  
CG: BUT I DON’T LIKE HIM!  
CG: OKAY!  
CG: GET THAT THROUGH YOUR THICK SKULLS!   
AT: yOU KNOW WHAT,  
AT: gO TALK TO JOHN,  
AT: tHEN YOU’LL SEE, wHAT WE’RE TRYING TO SAY,   
CG: THAT’S WHAT I WAS GOING TO DO  
CG: BEFORE I WAS STOPPED BY A FUCKING MOB OF ANGRY DOUCHEBAGS  
GC: T4VROS 1S R1GHT, YOU KNOW  
GC: YOU JUST W41T  
CA: and wwhen you finally come to your senses, call someone so wwe can stop wworrying about it  
CG: I ALREADY HAVE  
CG: I AM AT MY FUCKING SENSES ALREADY OKAY  
CG: I’M JUST GOING TO GO APOLOGISE  
AG: You say that now, 8ut we promise you’ll see!   
CG: THIS IS JUST GETTING CREEPY  
CG: I’M DONE HERE OKAY  
CG: FUCKING OUT OF HERE  
AT: gOOD LUCK,   
CC: YOU’R---E GOING TO N-----EED IT!   
CG: WHATEVER

You push open the door to the outside hallway. All of you live in the same apartment complex, and John and Dave share an apartment that’s down three levels.

As you shut the door, you hear Terezi. That girl always has to have the last word.

GC: H3H3H3H3H3

* * *

You are Dave Strider. You’ve rushed back to your apartment and found John in the bathtub, still crying so hard that his eyes are bloodshot. All of his clothes are on. The water is not running.

TG: what the fuck are you doing   
EB: i was going to shower  
EB: because i feel so dirty  
EB: but i forgot to turn on the water

He bursts into a fresh round of tears.

TG: jesus  
TG: you need to take off your clothes first, dumpass   
EB: i don’t wanna   
TG: john, get the fuck out of the tub and let me help you

John reluctantly pulls himself out of the tub and allows you to strip him. You’ve done this a couple times before, but it’s usually the few times when he gets really drunk and can’t do it himself. (That doesn’t take much; his alcohol tolerance isn’t worth shit.)

EB: why did he do it dave  
EB: why would he do that to me   
TG: i don’t know  
TG: i really don’t have a fucking clue  
TG: he’s a complete idiot, that’s why   
EB: he’s not a complete idiot!  
EB: he’s not.    
TG: he is for what he did to you  
TG: i don’t care how much you like the boy  
TG: hes a total dickbag

John keeps crying. Nothing you are saying is helping much. Then again, you didn’t really expect it to. He’s beyond help at this point.

He’s now completely naked, so you turn on the shower, waiting for it to warm up. He shivers, sitting down on the toilet.

EB: its so screwed up dave...  
EB: why did it have to happen like that???    
TG: i don’t know, john  
TG: life’s a douche sometimes   
EB: a really big douche! 

More tears. You wonder how many of these he’s got in him.

Suddenly someone’s hammering on the door. John looks horrified, and cries even harder.

TG: stop that  
TG: youre going to throw up or something  
TG: ill go get it, ok? 

He doesn’t reply. Crying too hard.

You peer through the peephole.

The asshole is standing outside.

He’s got a really urgent look on his face, and he keeps punching the door.

CG: OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR DAVE   
TG: why would i do that  
TG: you hurt john  
TG: you sick motherfucker   
CG: I CAME TO APOLOGISE  
CG: AGAIN   
TG: he doesn’t want apologies from you  
TG: theres only one thing he wants  
TG: if youre not going to give it to him then you can just go

Karkat looks ashamed. He stops hitting your door.

CG: I JUST WANTED TO SEE HIM  
CG: AND TALK TO HIM AGAIN  
CG: YOU KNOW, IN CASE HE HATES ME NOW, AND WILL NEVER SPEAK TO ME AGAIN? 

You stand there, crossing your arms. You know he can’t see you on the other side, but you’re sure he understands your silence.

CG: PLEASE. 

You can’t believe he’s doing this. What does he think John’s going to do, accept his apology and move on with his life? Ten years. Does he understand how big that is? Ten motherfucking years.

CG: DAVE  
CG: I’M BEGGING YOU  
CG: I AM FUCKING GETTING DOWN ON MY KNEES OUT HERE, OKAY

You look out the peephole, and yes, he is literally down on his knees.

TG: hold on

You walk to John’s bedroom, grab an outfit, and throw it through the bathroom door.

TG: john  
TG: put these on  
TG: and stop crying

John looks up at you, having no idea what’s going on, but he does as you say, hiccupping all the while.

You return to the door and unlock it. When it opens, Karkat is still there, kneeling.

CG: ARE YOU GOING TO LET ME IN   
TG: yes  
TG: he’s getting dressed  
TG: wait in the living room  
TG: and do not make yourself comfortable   
CG: I’LL STAND   
TG: good boy

He gets up, and it’s only then that you realise he’s dressed in one of Gamzee’s shirts and purple-and-pink-polka-dotted boxers. He looks ridiculous. And he ran all the way here in them.

You must admit, the guy’s got guts.

You peer into the bathroom again. John is dressed, standing there uselessly, wiping his eyes with a piece of toilet paper.

EB: what now?    
TG: come out into the living room   
EB: who’s there? 

You give him your hand, and he takes it. You pull him into the living room. When he sees who’s there, he backpedals, but you’re behind him, forcing him onto the couch.

TG: sit down john  
TG: you too karkat  
TG: i will be in the bedroom  
TG: if either of you tries to escape  
TG: I WILL KNOW

John looks ready to cry again.

TG: and no crying! 

* * *

You are Karkat Vantas. You are sitting in front of the boy whose life you have possibly just ruined.

EB: why are you here? 

He’s sniffling. Both of your lungs collapse at the same time.

CG: I WANTED TO SAY SORRY   
EB: oh yeah you really sound sorry, with all those fucking uppercase letters

It’s not often that John curses, so you know you’ve really messed up. Wait a second! You already knew that!

CG: Is this better?    
EB: um  
EB: I guess

Now he’s capitalising things, too. You brace yourself for a serious conversation.

CG: I’m sorry I did that to you.  
CG: I didn’t know you’d liked me for that long.    
EB: Umm, ever since seventh grade, yeah.    
CG: That’s kind of a big thing, isn’t it?    
EB: I guess.    
CG: Why didn’t you ever say anything?    
EB: You were my friend.  
EB: A friend who insisted he was my kismesis.  
EB: What was I supposed to say?    
CG: I guess I can see that.  
CG: And I got your hopes up last night, didn’t I?    
EB: Well...yeah.  
EB: I mean, I’d been waiting ten years for that.  
EB: I saved myself for you.  
EB: Then when it seemed like all my dreams were coming true, you asked me to be your matesprit.  
EB: And that was heaven.  
EB: But when you woke up this morning, you told me I was your kismesis and I would never be anything more, ever.    
CG: I didn’t say that.    
EB: Not exactly, but we both know that’s what you meant.    
CG: Yeah.    
EB: And it’s okay!  
EB: Because...you know, it’s your choice who you like. I can’t change you.  
EB: But you can’t change me, either. Nobody can.  
EB: So we’re stuck.    
CG: Yes, we are. 

And cue the inevitable awkward silence.

CG: I thought maybe I should tell you what the others said.   
EB: The others?    
CG: Before I left Gamzee’s apartment, everyone woke up.  
CG: And Vriska decided to tell everyone I was a heartless dickbutt.    
EB: Which you are. 

You’re taken aback and a little offended until you see the little smile creeping over his face.

CG: They all yelled at me.  
CG: And insulted me, and told me I was a horrible person.  
CG: Which I am.  
CG: And then they told me something else.  
CG: They told me that you’d liked me for a long time.  
CG: And they said that they were pretty sure I liked you, too.    
EB: Huh?    
CG: It didn’t make a lot of sense to me.  
CG: I mean, wouldn’t I know if I liked you?  
CG: But I’m not really sure anymore.    
EB: What do you mean?    
CG: I mean that I ran down three levels of stairs and two hallways in boxers that aren’t even mine.  
CG: I mean that we fucked last night, and even if I was drunk, I don’t think I would have done it if I didn’t want to.  
CG: I mean that you’re one of the best friends I’ve ever had and ever will have.  
CG: When I was running down the stairs, I was thinking about it.  
CG: On the first flight of stairs, I was thinking about how much I hated you, and how long you’d been my kismesis.  
CG: On the second flight, I was thinking about the times we’d spent together, and how you were really my friend, no matter how many times I said I hated you.  
CG: On the third flight, I was thinking about what they said, and how maybe they were right.    
EB: I’m not really sure what you’re trying to say.    
CG: John.    
EB: What happened to Egbert?    
CG: Shut up.  
CG: Will you be my matesprit?    
EB: Excuse me? 

His face has just turned bright red. Why are you just noticing how adorable he is when he blushes? Why couldn’t this have happened before? You suddenly feel really, really stupid.

CG: You heard what I said.  
CG: Will you be my matesprit?    
EB: Are you still drunk?    
CG: John, I’m not still drunk.  
CG: I may have a pounding headache, but I’m not still drunk.  
CG: Answer my question.    
EB: It’s not a practical joke?  
EB: You’re not just trying to hurt me even more?  
EB: That’s the whole point of kismessitude, right?    
CG: John, could you take me seriously for once?  
CG: I’m asking you a real question.  
CG: Let me rephrase. Do you want to be my matesprit?    
EB: Of course I WANT to be your matesprit!  
EB: I’ve wanted to be your matesprit for ten years!  
EB: But these kinds of things just don’t usually happen...    
CG: That’s right, they usually don’t.  
CG: But then again, I don’t usually do it with you, and I don’t usually have a fucking aneurysm just trying to reach you to apologise for being a shitty person, and I don’t usually tell you that I really, honestly, seriously think I’m flushed for you. 

He slides down into the couch cushions, his hands curling into fists. He looks down at the floor, and then back up at you, and then back at the floor.

EB: You’re really not joking?    
CG: I promise.    
EB: Okay.  
EB: Yes.    
CG: Yes?    
EB: Yes.    
CG: Yes??    
EB: Yes!    
CG: Yes!!! 

You find yourself reaching for John, and you pull him into a huge hug.

CG: I’m so sorry I did that to you.    
EB: No, don’t be sorry!  
EB: I hate apologies.  
EB: I know you didn’t mean for it to happen like that.  
EB: But it’s all okay now.  
EB: Right?    
CG: Right. 

John puts his head on your shoulder, closing his eyes. How could you not have seen how cute he is? How could you miss something like that?

You put a finger beneath his chin, and his eyes open into little blue slits, looking into yours. You lift his face to yours, and then you kiss John Egbert.

THIS

IS

NOT

STUPID

* * *

You are John Egbert. This is the happiest day of your life.

You are sitting in Karkat’s lap, being held in Karkat’s warm arms, and Karkat is kissing you. How could anything ever be better than this? Oh, right. Karkat isn’t drunk, and he’s your matesprit-boyfriend-flushed-thing.

This is all for real.

EB: karkat?   
CG: YEAH   
EB: i love you.    
CG: I LOVE YOU TOO, JOHN. 

* * *

You are Karkat Vantas, and there is one thing left to do before your day is going to officially be the best day ever.

You take out your cell phone. Terezi is first on your speed dial, so it’s Terezi you call.

You put it on speakerphone, and the dial tone buzzes out loud. John lays his head on your shoulder, looking at your phone with curiosity.

GC: H3LLO   
CG: HI TEREZI   
EB: hi terezi!    
GC: 1S TH4T YOU JOHN???    
EB: yes it is!!    
GC: HOLD ON  
GC: 1 N33D TO PUT YOU ON SP34K3RPHON3

There’s a click, and suddenly you can hear everyone’s voices in the background.

GC: 1T’S K4RK4T 4ND JOHN.    
CA: ha HA!  
CA: i told you so karkat  
CA: wwho told you?  
CA: ERIDAN told you  
CA: hahahahahaha   
AT: sHUT UP, eRIDAN, wE DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT HAPPENED YET,  
AT: mAYBE THEY KILLED EACH OTHER, oR SOMETHING,    
GC: NOBODY 1S D34D, 4S F4R 4S 1 C4N T3LL   
EB: nope, nobody is dead!    
TA: ii2 karkat dead?    
CG: LIVING, THANK YOU   
AG: Listen, you douche8ags, are you dating or not?    
EB: yes we are!!!    
GG: YAY!!!  
GG: my john and my karkat are TOGETHER FOREVER!!! 

Jade’s screams of excitement are so unexpected and violently loud that everyone is temporarily shocked into silence.

Then everyone starts to talk at once again.

John is smiling, smiling at everyone’s voices on the phone, smiling at Dave as he steps out of his bedroom, smiling at you. You hug him even closer, because he is yours now, all yours.

You hang up the phone. All that talking means they’re not going to miss you two, at least not for a few minutes. Then they’ll probably come barrelling into the apartment.

Until then, though...

CG: JOHN  
CG: I WANT YOU TO KNOW  
CG: AS LONG AS WE’RE STILL TOGETHER  
CG: I WILL NEVER, EVER LET YOU CRY AGAIN

John snuggles into your chest, and your heart melts. You relax, lying your cheek in his hair, and close your eyes. It feels right just to sit there together, so you do.

Your headache is fading, and you drift off into sleep with John’s arms around your waist and a rare smile on your face.

* * *

 **SECRET EPILOGUE!!!**

Your name is VRISKA SERKET, and you are good at picking locks, so while everyone crowds the hallway with bated breath, you are jamming a bobby pin into the doorknob of John and Dave’s apartment. You don’t bother knocking, because that would be terribly pedestrian.

Finally the lock clicks open, and you raise your fist in triumph, opening the door.

AG: Oh, how 8oring. 

They’re just SITTING there, for gog’s sake. Asleep. ASLEEP. They’re supposed to be FUCKING by now. That’s what happens in movies!

AG: Okay, guys, no dicks are out, nothing to see here. Move out, move out. 

The crowd behind you sighs in exasperation, but it only takes them a second to turn around and leave.

Sleeping! Jegus, and you’d had Karkat pegged as at least a somewhat interesting person!

Hmph.

**Author's Note:**

> I love writing Karkat. He is just full of optimism and joy. And by that I mean profanity and fuckin' excellent personality


End file.
